


Best of My Love

by adventurouswallflower (destieldearie)



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2018-07-28
Packaged: 2019-06-17 12:00:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15460905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieldearie/pseuds/adventurouswallflower
Summary: Because Taylor (pcrrycox) and I were talking about what if Cox played the guitar and then she got an ask about Perry/Ben. This snowballed from there.





	1. Chapter One

     He'd saved up all summer to buy it from the thrift store that he passed on his way to school. He'd wanted one since he heard his first Bob Dylan record years prior and he'd finally,  _ finally _ , gotten his hands on one. Perry wasn't sure if the store owner just felt sorry for him, with his face as close to the glass as possible every morning on his way to school and every afternoon on his way home, or if he'd just been lucky that nobody else had bought the run-down guitar. 

     He practically ran all the way home and immediately got to work putting all his focus into tuning the guitar that he didn't even hear the door slam. He also didn't hear the heavy, unsteady footsteps in the kitchen, the clinking of glass, the slam of the refrigerator, or the sound of worn leather creaking as his father sank into his favorite recliner.     

     “What the fuck is that  _ noise _ ," he heard his father yell from the living room.

     It was out of instinct that Perry looked up and started to hide the guitar under his bed. It was out of instinct that he tried to steel himself for the coming blow as the labored breathing got closer and closer to his room. It was out of self-perseverance that he tried to pretend he didn’t feel his heart skip a beat when the door swung open and he came face to face with the stench of piss and stale beer, "Just what do you think you're doing?"

     "Nothing,” Perry replied, looking down at his feet.

     "You think just because you shoved it under your bed like a fucking Playboy, I can't tell you've got a guitar? What? You trying to get in touch with your inner faggot?" His father sneered, leaning against the door frame.  

     Perry closed his eyes when the fists came and started dreaming about the moment he could pack his bags and get the hell out of here.  

     Halfway through today's beating, his father either forgot what infraction he thought Perry had committed or just got bored and went back to drinking himself into another stupor in his recliner.  

     After his father caught him that first day, Perry only practiced when he was sure he would be alone. Finally, graduation came, he packed a bag and boarded the first greyhound bus to California he could find.  


	2. Chapter Two

     He'd always kept the guitar hidden under his bed and only practiced when he was alone, even in college when his  _ dreadful _ freshman roommate always talked about his band and how they were  _ definitely _ going to hit the big time, but seven years later, the last he'd heard was that they had all dropped out and were working at McDonald's.  Even now, in medical school and living in a dorm by himself, he only played when he was sure he wouldn’t be interrupted by anyone. Playing the guitar had always been Perry's way to relax and currently he was practicing his chords while reviewing for his upcoming exam. He was so engrossed in the melody he'd picked up that he didn't notice anyone else was in the room until the flash of a camera went off.  

     "What the fuck are you doing in here?" Perry shouted at the intruder and started to round on him, but he stopped short when the other man let the camera fall from his face and picked up the polaroid that was printing out.  _ Shit. He’s hot _ , Perry thought to himself. His brown hair fell in his eyes a little, but he could still see light blue eyes sparkling with joy as he looked at the picture that was developing.  

     "Wow, the guitar really makes you look even sexier. Name's Ben. Want to have sex?" The stranger,  _ Ben. His name is Ben, _ said as he moved closer to Perry, toeing off his boots as he came closer to where Perry was standing, his mouth slightly open. "You're a big talker, huh?" Ben chuckled as he carefully put his camera down on the desk next to him and started toying with the buttons on Perry's shirt. The light touch as Ben's fingers grazed his stomach caused Perry's brain to throw everything he had ever learned about stranger danger and leaned forward to crash his lips into Ben's.  

     Leaning his guitar against the dresser, Perry grabbed a fistful of Ben's shirt and pulled him backwards to the bed while Ben continued unbuttoning his shirt with renewed fervor. Perry broke the kiss and shrugged his shirt off, tossing it to the floor, as Ben sat up to discard his own shirt while running his hands over Perry's chest.  

    "Perry. My name's Per-" he groaned out as Ben playfully tweaked his nipple and had begun sucking a mark onto his shoulder, causing his breath to catch.

    "Nice to meet you. I think we’re a little past shaking hands though,” Ben said as he leaned back to admire his handiwork, “Look, I’m just looking for a good, old fashioned fuck with no strings attached. You’re hot and judging by that hard-on I feel against my leg, you think I’m hot too. So, you up for it?” Ben whispered in his ear and Perry tried his damndest not to whimper when Ben slid a hand into his jeans and started to stroke him through his boxers. Perry really hoped Ben knew he meant  _ oh god, hell fucking yes _ as he quickly divested the other man of his pants and reached for the lube and the box of condoms he kept in the nightstand next to his bed. 

 

     As Perry collapsed onto Ben with a groan, he felt himself softening inside the other man and slipped out of him to tie the condom off and throw it in the wastebasket by the desk. “How did you get in here anyway?” Perry asked as Ben started to drift off. 

     “I could hear the guitar as I passed by the door. The door was unlocked. You were hot. End of story.” Ben mumbled and Perry was almost sure he said something about “hating posed pictures” from the man lying beneath him. 

     “Hm. Quick question there, Ansel Adams, do you jump everyone’s bones or just the ones who know how to work their fingers?” Perry whispered into his ear as reached around and started to lightly stroke Ben’s cock again. 

     “Nope, just the ones who talk in obscure references and make me swoon with their mediocre guitar playing.” 

     Perry started to get pissed and withdrew his hand from Ben like he’d been burned. 

     “Well, I didn’t hear you complaining when  _ you _ undressed me.” he snarled back. 

     “Oh God, I’m  _ kidding. _ It’s a good thing you’re hot or that anger streak would really ruin your chances of me having sex with you again. Good thing you can make up to me by putting your hand back on my dick,” Ben said, slightly muffled by the pillow he was laying on, as Perry’s mind started to reel.  _ He was kidding? Well, that puts a new spin on things. Focus, Perry, focus. Hot naked guy under you, who is currently grinding his ass against your dick, wants no strings attached sex, AND doesn’t take your angry, self absorbed bullshit? Damn right you’re going to keep on fucking him.  _

     “Well, maybe I’ll show you something my hands are better at anyway,” Perry growled under his breath as he flipped Ben over and started stroking him again.

 


	3. Chapter Three

They had a routine. They went to bars on Saturday nights, played some pool, had a few drinks, and they'd each try to pick someone up to take home. If they were unsuccessful or were just too into each other to bother looking elsewhere, they'd head back to Perry's dorm or Ben’s apartment, drink a few more beers, and fuck. They were comfortable with each other and maybe that's why they were able to also be friends. They didn't have to try to impress each other. They were just having fun and they both knew this thing they had wasn't going to go anywhere beyond a bed or a quickie in Ben's truck. Perry teased Ben about his collection of Tonka trucks while Ben teased him about the guitar Perry still kept hidden under his bed. Perry showed Ben how to be a little more serious, especially when he ended up hitting on somebody else's partner when he'd had one too many one night and Ben taught Perry how to let loose a little.

“Just because you really  _ do _ have a stick up your ass, doesn’t mean everyone has to  _ know  _ it. Don’t get me wrong, I find the macho tough guy routine hot, really I do, but sometimes it makes you seem like one of those cheesy villians in a bad movie,” Ben told him one night on the way to the bar across town that had the best booze and the best pool tables. Ben took a picture when he saw the lines on Perry’s forehead start to crease. He snapped another one right after he pulled Perry down a dark alley and whispered in his ear, “Just so you know, when you do get that stick removed, that pretty ass of yours is mine.” 

Perry didn’t have time to respond before a flash went off in his face and Ben sank to his knees. 

And if on those nights after they'd finished and were laying on the bed, sweating and sated, and they stole glances when they thought the other wasn’t paying attention, well, they just wouldn't talk about what was really on their minds. 

It was one Friday night, about six months after they'd met, that Perry cancelled their usual bar hopping, telling Ben he'd gotten caught up at work and couldn't make it. Not really feeling like picking anyone up, Ben headed on home. He watched TV  and tried not to think about the funny feeling in his stomach or the way his heart was slightly breaking. He knew Perry didn’t love him and it was easy to pretend he did when it was just the two of them. When they were having sex, the moments before he came, Perry always looked at him with such tenderness, but this was just casual sex when they needed it. Ben knew that. He fell asleep with the TV still on in the background and Perry’s name on his lips.

“Meet me in the supply closet on the second floor in five minutes if you know what's good for you,” Jordan Sullivan whispered into Perry's ear. Perry nearly collapsed on sight when he saw the sexy brunette walking towards him. He'd just finished interviewing at Sacred Heart Hospital for his internship when he graduated in May. He'd somehow gotten turned around and ended up in what looked like some high-end party for donors. He was just about to turn around and leave when she walked up and kissed him. He didn't even know her name or where the supply closet was, but he sure as hell was going to find out. He called Ben saying he got caught up at work and had to cancel tonight. He tried really hard not to feel guilty at the slight hint of disappointment in Ben’s voice. 

“I need that pen,” Jordan said as she was pushing her skirt back down where he had bunched it up to get his hands on her ass. 

“Hmm, what? Oh, here,” Perry said as he handed her the black ink pen that he'd had in his pocket and fixed his boxers. 

“You're not a bad lay, Per-Per, call me sometime,” she said as she wrote her number on a gum wrapper she found at the bottom of her purse. 

Perry cringed at the nickname and shot back with, “You’re not so bad yourself there, princess. But if there is a next time, can you keep the bloodsucking to a minimum? It really gets in the way of the whole kissing thing.” 

Jordan turned around to find Perry with his arms folded behind his head as he leaned against the wall, pants still undone and  _ smiling _ .  _ Well, damn. He’s pretty cute when he smiles,  _ she thought as she unleashed another barb and kissed him again before he could answer. She smiled as she said, “I guess I’ll toss you another freebie, but after this you have to at least buy me some dinner first and preferably get me drunk.” 

Perry thought she was gorgeous when she smiled and he found himself enjoying the banter. She reminded him of Ben and he tried not to think about his feelings for the other man. He’d never care for Perry in the same way. After all, he’d said he was only looking for sex when they first met. It was luck that they happened to also become friends and only being friends was how Perry could keep Ben in his life, he told himself he’d just have to find a way to be okay with that. However, when Jordan kissed him again and her knee brushed against him, he lost his train of thought as he groaned into her kiss and pushed her against the wall with his fingers in her hair.

As she felt herself being pushed toward the wall, she wrapped her legs around Perry’s waist and tossed the pen she’d needed into her purse. She’d finish her crossword later.

He’d been avoiding Ben lately, but it wasn’t entirely on purpose. He really was busy with studying for his boards and tying up loose ends before his internship started at Sacred Heart. The last time they’d seen each other was when he’d called Ben to ask him for help when he moved into his apartment and they hadn’t done anything other than have a few beers and watch women’s volleyball on TV. He was also spending a lot of time with Jordan and felt himself falling in love with her. He knew the thing he and Ben had would have to end, but he didn’t think it would hurt so bad moving on. He was sure Ben wasn’t as invested in it as Perry had been. He hadn’t meant to care for Ben, but between the sex and the nights of just enjoying each other’s company, they had grown close. He vowed to man up and call Ben tomorrow and tell him about Jordan over some beers. They could still be friends. He arrived at Jordan’s apartment and knocked on the door. He was leaning against the wall when the door swung open. 

“Ben, can you get that,” Ben heard Jordan call from the bathroom where she was still fixing her makeup.  _ She must really like this guy. She always has a funny look on her face when she talks about him and that’s the third outfit she’s tried on for tonight. Of course, if I tell her that she’ll hit me. Better keep it to myself, then” _ he thought as he got up from the couch. His apartment was being fumigated so he’d been sleeping on Jordan’s couch for a few nights. He opened the door, excited to see the poor guy whose soul his sister had decided to steal for her collection. His eyes widened and his heart skipped a beat when he saw Perry Cox on the other side of the door. 

When the door opened, he felt like the wind had been kicked out of him. “Ben?” he asked, his mouth hanging open.  _ I’m on to you, Big Guy. You just have to make sure I’m never happy for too long on this goddamn planet _ , Perry thought to his sister’s non existent God.

“Perry? What are you doing here?” Ben felt like he’d been with a ton of bricks and his mouth felt like sandpaper. So Perry was his sister’s newest boy toy.  _ Well, this sucks _ , he thought as he heard Jordan’s heels clicking against the wood floor. She would never admit it, but her eyes did light up when she saw Perry standing in the doorway. 

Jordan sauntered past “Oh, Ben. This is Perry, he’s my...whatever. Let’s go, Per,” and started to pull Perry down the hallway.  

As Jordan’s hand linked with Perry’s, he saw an emotion he’d never seen in his sister’s eyes before.  _ She’s happy with him. Well, as happy as Jordan as can be. He’ll stand up to her and she won’t take his bullshit _ , he thought as the couple continued walking towards the elevator and Perry stealing glances back at him.

Perry’s eyes met Ben’s and Perry hoped Ben could see the emotion in his eyes.  _ I didn’t know _ , they said;  _ I’m sorry _ , they whispered;  _ Please forgive me _ , they pleaded. 

Ben pulled himself away from Perry’s eyes and shouted after them, “You leave her honor intact now or we’ll never find her a suitor. She’s worth at  _ least _ two goats!”

“Oh, shut up and go back to your trucks,” Jordan shouted back as they waited for the elevator.

“Sorry about him. His apartment is being fumigated so he’s reverted to a child-like state and had to move in with his big sister after our Mother kicked him out.” 

“It’s nice you two are close,” Perry mumbled as he held her close in the elevator.

“That’s enough small talk,” Jordan said as she rolled her eyes and kissed him. 

Perry really hoped Ben could forgive him for falling in love with his sister.

Ben slid down the door and tried not to let the tears overtake him. Perry was his best friend and he was going to happy for him. Even if it broke his heart. 


	4. Chapter Four

They'd been together for six months and they spent most of their time drinking, fighting, or having sex. Perry's idea of a perfect night with Jordan involved all three. She could hold her liquor almost as well as he could and she wouldn't be caught dead drinking anything weaker than whiskey. They were both stubborn as hell, but if Perry was being honest with himself, most of the fights he picked were just so that they could make up. Make-up sex was his favorite kind of sex with Jordan; it was long and rough as they took out their frustrations on each other. Afterwards, she'd lay her head on his chest listening to his heartbeat and he'd wrap his arms around her, their words unspoken: I'm sorry. I love you. Jordan was taking a shower after one such night while Perry slipped out of bed, threw on some sweatpants, and pulled out his old guitar from under the bed. He was wound up from his internship and from trying to fight the intensity of his feelings for Jordan. He hadn't played with anyone around since the day he'd brought it home, but he felt more comfortable with Jordan than he had with just about anybody in a long time. He was so engrossed in the melody that he didn't hear the water shut off and Jordan walk back into the bedroom. 

“Oh my God,” she scoffed, “that’s the most pansy ass thing I've ever seen. You’re such a girl.” She laughed as she sat down on the bed in her robe.   
Perry stiffened when he heard her and he felt his face turning red from shame. Turning away from her, he muttered, “Jordan. Just leave.”   
“What, you going to call your boyfriend to come hold you after we’ve fucked?” she sneered as she put her dress back on and walked out of the bedroom. “Call me when you’ve manned up, Per-bear,” she yelled as she walked out of the apartment.  
He couldn’t relax until he heard the door slam and even then he couldn’t bear to see himself holding the instrument anymore. He packed it away in a box and put the box in his closet. He’d get rid of it eventually. He was getting too old for this shit. Laying in his bed staring up at the ceiling, Perry could only think about how stupid he was to have let his guard down. He hated feeling vulnerable and he would be damned if it ever happened again. He fell asleep before he could hate himself even more. 

“Hey, guess what? Perry plays the guitar. How girly is that,” Jordan scoffed as she sipped her coffee. 

“Really? I don't know, I think it's kind of cool” Ben said. He was suddenly glad Jordan had called instead if dropping by unannounced because he could feel his face flushed with embarrassment. He didn't know why he felt the need to stand up for Perry. They were friends and Ben cared about him. He probably loved him, but it's not like he's in love with him. It's not like he notices the fire in his eyes when he talks about being a doctor or the way his smile never seems to reach his eyes. The realization hits him with such an intensity he'd thought he'd been punched if he hadn't been alone. Well, fuck, that really sucks, he thought. Ben realized it had been a long moment of silence and Jordan had cleared her throat expectantly.

“Why are you defending him?” Jordan asked suspiciously, eyes narrowing. She knew Ben and Perry were close, best friends really, but there also seemed to be a chemistry there that she couldn’t deny. She knew Ben had no qualms about shacking up with whoever caught his fancy, but Perry? He seemed so stereotypically straight that she hadn’t given his sexuality another thought. She’d be lying to herself if she said it didn’t sting a bit. Jordan had no problems that Perry was bisexual, she just wished he’d trusted her enough to tell her. She mentally kicked herself, He probably would have come out if you weren’t such a bitch all the time. No, love is making you soft, Jordan - Love? I’ll have to unpack that later. Definitely not happening. Good sex, yes. A smidge of affection for the curly-haired bastard in my cold heart, yes. Love, no. She cleared her throat as she realized he had never answered her. 

“I’m not defending him, Jesus. I’m not his boyfriend, he’s a big boy. He can stand up to you himself, sis. I just meant that all the ‘cool’ guys you dated in high school tried to play guitar or god forbid, the drums,” Ben said as he kicked around his apartment a little. He felt a little hurt that Perry had shown Jordan the guitar. He’d wanted to hear him play again since the first day they’d met, but Perry was so secretive about it and Ben could read between the lines about his childhood so he never pressed the issue. “Look, Jordaroo, I have to go.” He hung up before she could ask why he suddenly had to bail, but he needed to think. He had to think long and hard about how he wanted his life to be. If he went and told Perry how he really felt, would the other man reciprocate? Even if he did, what did he expect Perry to do, leave Jordan? He couldn’t ask that. She was happy, if you could see beneath her stone-cold bitch routine. Her eyes lit up when she talked about Perry and she had mentioned in passing that if they got married, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. No, he’d keep this news to himself. For Jordan and for Perry. They deserved happiness and he wasn’t going to be the one to wreck that, not when they both had the potential to torpedo the relationship. It was final, he wasn’t saying anything. He could go on pretending that he saw Perry as nothing more than a friend. He decided to indulge himself one last time as he thought back to their last night together. If he’d known it had been the last time, Ben wouldn’t have left important things unsaid. He wrapped a hand around his cock and lost himself in the memory.


	5. Chapter Five

Ben arrived at Perry’s with a six-pack of beer and some sandwiches. He told him he’d help him move some stuff into a storage unit since Jordan was moving in soon. After they ate, they loaded all of Perry’s boxes into Ben’s truck and headed to the unit. As they were sweating in the hot California heat, Ben tried not to notice the muscles in Perry’s arms or his pecs and really, really tried not to remember what that body had looked like under him. He snapped out of his admiration when he realized Perry was laying his old guitar down on some boxes.

  
“You’re getting rid of this,” Ben asked incredulously.

  
Perry sighed, “Yeah, Jordan hates it and I don’t play as much anymore. It just takes up space and it’s time to grow up, right?”

  
Ben tried not to let his emotion show as he said, “I guess so.”

Perry was giving it up forever and he’d never gotten the chance to hear him play. He supposed he should move on and stop harboring a schoolboy crush on his sister’s boyfriend? Fiance? Whatever they were, Perry was Jordan’s now and he’d have to accept it.

He slapped Perry on the back when they were done and gave him a smile, “Just don’t let her take everything or she’ll get bored.” He’d meant it as a joke, but years later when they divorced, Ben knew that Perry had given her all he was able to give and then they’d walked away from the wreckage broken people that he couldn’t even try to put back together.


	6. Chapter Six

“Ben, you have leukemia,” JD said and the words hung in the air. He wished more than anything he could take them back or that the results were a mistake. He couldn't look at Ben or Dr. Cox so he stared at the wall instead.

 

Perry felt as though someone had their hands around his throat.  _ Cancer. _ Ben had cancer. He couldn’t deal with this. The urge to run felt overwhelming. He watched as the card fell from Ben's forehead and heard him sigh. 

 

“That sucks,” Ben muttered, hating the silence JDs words brought, and scratching absentmindedly at the back of his head. His mind was racing. He'd been feeling run down lately and he had a hard time controlling the bleeding if he cut himself, but  _ cancer _ ? Well, he'd surely get at least one new Tonka truck from Jordan out of this. He couldn't look at Perry. Knowing he would lose him again if he died hurt him worse than the diagnosis. They’d never slept together again since Perry and Jordan had met. After they divorced, Ben and Perry still remained close, but Ben couldn't hurt Jordan that way. If she knew they'd slept together after the divorce, she'd probably never speak to him again. Unable to look at Perry, Ben looked at JD only to find him holding back tears and staring at the wall. 

 

“Ye-Yeah,” JD whispered. 

 

Perry had to get out of this room, it was closing in on him. He wanted to reach out and hold Ben’s hand, do something to comfort him, but the thought died when his adrenaline started pumping even faster than before. He did the only thing he could: run. “I’m sorry, Benji,” he said as he squeezed Ben’s shoulder and strolled out of the room, his eyes starting to burn with emotion and words left unsaid. He needed a drink, but he knew no matter how drunk he got he’d never forget the look of hurt on Ben’s face as he left.

  
  


He was annoyed that the kid had shown up at his apartment. Well, annoyed and strangely touched. He knew JD cared, probably still too much, and he kept coming back no matter how hard Perry pushed him away. Newbie reminded him of Ben, in a way. They were both just a little weird, but it worked for them. It made people gravitate towards them and Perry had been helpless to try and reverse course each time. He figured that’s why it hurt when Newbie had essentially been telling him to grow a pair, he could only see Ben’s face and the disappointment he knew was there. He took another drink of scotch and looked at his phone. He had one text from Ben and three from the She-Devil who had also been kind enough to leave him a voicemail. He sighed before he threw the phone against the wall and downed the last of his scotch. 

 

-

“Are we just gonna sit around here and make jokes the rest of the day? Is that … is that the drill,” Perry asked and if he’d had the energy, Ben would have punched him. He had cancer and Perry was wussing out. He could be  _ dying _ and Perry would have let him go because he couldn’t handle having a conversation about emotions. 

“Listen, if it makes you uncomfortable, then you can just bolt again,” Ben said, rolling his eyes. Part of him wanted Perry to leave while the other part just wanted him.  _ One more time for the road, _ he thought bitterly. 

“ I think it’s only fair you hear my end of the story,” Perry tried to explain.  _ This should be good _ , Ben thought.

He tried to say the words he knew he needed to say, but instead he scoffed, “Alright, fine.” When Perry didn’t say anything and Ben could see his Adam’s apple bobbing, Ben felt his anger rising. “Oh, man. I love you, but you-you’re a complete wuss. 

Perry felt his breath catch in his throat. Ben was giving him a chance to explain, even though he knew no words could dull the sting his absence had made. “I guess I got a little scared,” he said and he knew it was ridiculous, but it was the truth. He was scared to death that he was going to lose him forever. He could handle being friends, but losing Ben  _ permanently _ wasn’t something he could even begin to come to terms with. 

“Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do to help you through this rough patch,” Ben muttered and began to turn away, but Perry put his hand on his thigh and gave a small squeeze. He hated how cold Ben was being, he was usually full of warmth and so carefree, but Perry knew he deserved it.

“Oh, give me a break. I’m not good at this stuff, you know that,” Perry started, he could feel his heart in his throat and it made him feel sick.

“It’s okay,” Ben said, he knew Perry was trying and  _ really _ wasn’t good at processing his feelings. 

“I don’t like the big conversations,” he finished lamely, but hoped Ben would understand what he meant: I love you and couldn’t stand to lose you. 

“It’s cool,” Ben said, looking at Perry. He looked like a kicked puppy and Ben decided to forgive him. He’d tried to stay mad at him, but if he  _ was _ dying, he didn’t want to die without Perry there. 

They sat in silence for moment before Ben said, “I’ve been thinking a lot about dying lately, do you think it’s like New York?” 

“Oh, you’ve gotta be kidding me,” Perry groaned while he leaned forward and covered his face with his hands. He couldn't do this. He couldn’t sit here and casually discuss death with Ben. He was about to tell the other man off when Perry felt Ben’s fingers in his hair. 

“Come here,” Ben whispered and patted the empty space beside him on the bed. He wasn’t expecting Perry to kiss him, but he couldn't say he didn’t welcome the closeness. If right now was all they had, he was going to make it count. 

Perry could feel tears threatening to fall as he continued kissing Ben and straddled Ben’s thighs. If Ben had felt up to it, Perry would have let him top, but he knew the chemo took a lot out of a person and he wanted to make sure Ben knew that he was wanted, that Perry cared. He untied Ben’s gown and kissed down the other man’s chest. He wanted to laugh when he saw Ben was wearing boxers, but then it hit him that Ben  _ never _ wore underwear and was only doing so because he was being poked and prodded in a hospital. It made his heart ache. He was happy to see that Ben was starting to get hard and that the chemo hadn’t taken that from him yet. 

“Uh, are you just going to stare at it or are you going to do something about it,” Ben growled and thrust his hips towards Perry. 

“Oh, I’m going to take care of you,” Perry smiled and whispered. It had been years since he’d had Ben in his mouth, but he hadn’t forgotten what made him lose control. He continued his attention on Ben’s cock, but he soon felt himself being guided up Ben’s body by his hair. Perry kissed him again, their tongues tangled together and he untied his scrub bottoms as he broke the kiss to wet his fingers to start stretching Ben. He didn’t have any lube with him and he didn’t think Ben would want to stop so he could run down to the corner drugstore and get some. 

“I missed you,” Ben said quietly and resisted the urge to take Perry’s face in his hands and just stare into those eyes. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it was true. It had been torturous all these years to be so close to him, but denied what he wanted most. He groaned as Perry started to work a finger into him and nipping lightly at his thigh. After a few minutes, he’d added another finger. It burned, but Ben didn’t care. He knew they were going too fast and he’d be sore later, but it had been so long and Ben just wanted Perry to fuck him,  _ now.  _ “Please,” he whimpered and Perry’s nodded, not quite meeting his eyes.

It took every ounce of self-control that Perry possessed not to just push into Ben, but to take it slowly. It had been a long time and he wanted to make it as enjoyable as possible for Ben and if he came two seconds into it, well that would be disappointing. He felt old feelings of love and hope start to bubble to the surface as he was finally,  _ finally _ , all the way inside. He pushed those feelings down as far as he could, this was just sex, just comforting a friend who might be dying. They weren’t in love and they wouldn’t ride off into the sunset together, Perry had accepted that a long time ago. Ben was the only person he didn’t feel contempt for,  _ you don’t hate Newbie _ , he thought to himself and god help him, he wasn’t opening that door, not while Ben was begging him to just fuck him into the bed. Thankfully, once he finally started moving, his thoughts started to jumble together before becoming completely incoherent as he and Ben came together, with muffled groans and hushed gasps. 

“I love you,” Ben mumbled as he drifted off towards sleep, the chemo and the sex starting to take its toll. He wasn’t sure he’d said it out loud, but the last thing he heard before he fell asleep was Perry muttering about how he shouldn’t have done this. Ben was too tired to give a damn about Perry’s conscience right now, but he knew that Perry wouldn’t be there when he woke up and they wouldn’t talk about it again.

“I’m sorry,” Perry said as he pulled out of Ben and started to fix them both. Ben had muttered something and then fallen asleep. “I’m sorry, I should go. We can’t do this, Ben.” He ran his fingers through Ben’s hair one more time and walked to the doctor’s lounge, wondering how he was going to look Jordan in the eyes anymore. 


	7. Chapter Seven

Ben wasn’t surprised to see JD still hanging on Perry’s coattails and to see Perry still calling him girl’s names when he’d gotten back into town. He and Jordan had exchanged a few emails while he was traveling and Jordan had said that she suspected Perry was harbored a deep, secret crush that Perry probably didn’t even know about. She said they danced around each other so much that it wasn’t a question of  _ if _ they were finally going to man up and just kiss each other, but  _ when _ . Jordan loved Perry, in her own way, but “DJ” could give him so much more than she could. Where she was all sharp edges and cold, he was soft and warm. 

“We could be happy again, but we’ll get bored, say things we don’t mean, and then where does that leave us when we get too tired to keep fighting for that little bit of happiness before we piss each other off again. We love each other, but we’re not  _ in _ love. Not like we were back then. Anyway, Benji, Per-Per wants me to tell you to see some kind of doctor, shaman, or medicine man to keep your leukemia in check. Please listen to him,” she’d written in an email while he’d been in Egypt.

He wasn’t hurt that Perry and Jordan had wanted to give their relationship another try. What did he expect when he took off on his “World Leukemia Tour”? That Perry would wait for him like some debutante whose betrothed was going off to war? He told Jordan that he hadn’t gotten his cancer monitored, but he lied because a lie would make Jack’s party be less painful. He’d seen a doctor in New Jersey when he’d cut himself shaving again and the bleeding wouldn’t stop  _ again _ . They told him he’d have a year if he was really lucky. It was resistant to therapies and Ben had to accept that this time, he really was dying. 

Although, he hadn’t expected it to be that soon. Well, that  _ really _ sucked.

-

  
“Where do you think we are,” JD asked him, concern in his voice.  
He looked at Ben, but the very thoughts he’d been trying to push out of his mind for three days came flooding back. _Ben was gone_. _Cardiac arrest._ He didn’t feel himself walking towards the chairs and the casket with Ben’s picture on it, but he found himself staring at the man he’d lost. The picture was in black and white, like the polaroids Ben had loved, and it somehow managed to capture the warmth that had radiated from him, but it didn’t show how blue his eyes were. Perry had once thought he could drown in those blue eyes if Ben would have let him. He’d _loved_ him and God had taken him away. _I’ve always been one of your favorite punching bags,_ he thought angrily and for once hoped God existed just so he could beg him why these things had to happen. He was doctor, he understood death, but it something that was supposed to happen to the old folks who didn’t know who they were anymore or people who were in so much pain that death was a blessing that put them out of their misery. It wasn’t supposed to happen to young, healthy people like Ben. But it did and life had to go on even if it felt like he was burying part of his heart today. He’d never told him how he’d really felt, that he’d been lost before Ben waltzed into his life and shown him how to _breathe_. He sat motionless, but the tears still fell and stained his cheeks and he couldn’t be bothered to wipe them away. _Ben was gone_. He never thought about the depths of his feelings for the man until now, hadn’t wanted to think about them. He felt Jordan’s arm around him and he leaned into it, trying to provide her any comfort that he could since he’d been so lost these few days. Then, he felt another hand on his shoulder, _JD_ , his mind supplied, squeezing tightly as though they were afraid he’d float away. It was a nice, grounding touch and even though Perry felt as helpless and vulnerable as he’d had since he was a child, he couldn’t help but also be grateful that they were there with him. 


	8. Chapter Eight

“Perry, look, I can’t do this anymore. I need something different. We’ll figure something out with Jack, I’m not keeping him from you,” Jordan said as she stood by the door, suitcase in hand. It had been a year since Ben had died and Perry knew their relationship was struggling. They didn’t even fight anymore. They were just both so tired of having to work  _ so _ hard. Love wasn’t supposed to be this difficult. If he had been a different man, they could be happy. If he could open up instead of shutting himself off and responding with a painful barb, they might have had a better chance. He’d gotten better at dealing with and processing his emotions, but he and Jordan knew it was too late for them. “It’s not that I don’t love you, Perry, I do love you,” 

He was almost sure he heard her force down a gag at the declaration.

“ I’m just not  _ in _ love with you like I used to be. We  _ were _ happy, once upon a time and a lifetime ago. It’s time to finally move on from each other. For good,” she continued as she set her suitcase down, walked to his spot on the couch, and squeezed his shoulder. She turned to leave, but stopped as if she had forgotten something. “Oh, We found all these letters in a storage locker Ben had rented downtown. We didn’t know he had it until the company called asking he was going to continue payment. There was one for you.” She laid the letter down on the coffee table, picked up her suitcase, and walked out of the apartment without a second glance. 

Perry glared at the letter on the coffee table. He could see his name written in Ben’s handwriting. Throwing back the rest of his scotch, he grabbed the letter and tore it open. 

_ Perry,  _

_ If you’re reading this, I guess I died. If I’m not dead, congratulations, you found my oh so glorious storage locker and it’s very uncool that you’re snooping through my shit, man. If I  _ **_am_ ** _ dead, well, I’m sorry. I just found out the cancer is back and they gave me six months. A year if I'm lucky. So, I guarantee that whatever you’re going through, my position sucks more. No one is around so I had to go buy myself a Tonka truck. So suck it up buttercup because I have some things I need to say. _

 

He had to stop. He couldn’t do this. He set the letter back down on the coffee table and poured himself another drink. He  _ knew _ ? He fucking knew the leukemia had come back and he’d done nothing? He’d just let himself die? He rubbed his hands down his face and sighed. He owed it Ben to finish the stupid letter even if he had to be drunk to read it. As he picked it up the second time, he saw water stains down the page as though Ben had been crying.  _ He must have spilled some water, clumsy bastard _ . He continued reading,

 

_ I’m attempting treatment this time too, but nothing is working and I’ve decided I don’t  want to spend my last few months in a hospital watching myself waste away and watching my family cry over me. Have you ever seen Jordan cry, I mean full out gut-wrenching sobs? It’s not a pretty sight, her fangs get in the way and she ends up with a split lip from her blubbering. We Sullivans are an emotional bunch.  _

 

Perry had to stop reading to chuckle even though he could feel tears threatening to fall. Wiping his eyes and taking another drink, he read on,

 

_ Okay, so they wouldn’t cry, but they’d be radiating pity, nobody would speak, and I can’t take that. I’ve never been able to. Enough about my death, I’m gone, Perry. You’re not and you still have a life to live. Jack needs a father. You have to live for him if you won’t do it for yourself.  _

_ Remember that day we met? God, you were so fucking sexy that I just stood there looking at you before I even took the picture. I’ve kept it this whole time. I never told you this, but I love you. I’m  _ **_in love_ ** _ with you, Perry. I know all those years ago I said it was always going to be a casual thing, but I couldn’t stop myself from falling. I wanted to tell you, but then you met Jordan and you looked happy. She was happy and I couldn’t do that to her, even if you wouldn’t choose me. So, I kept my mouth shut and I was content with just being in your life as your friend. That was enough, until it wasn’t. Then, I got sick and I was scared. You gave me one last night and that was all I could have ever asked for, but it hurt too much to be around after that. I needed to see what else was out there and see if I could be content with just being your friend again. Now, I’m sick again and I’m still scared, but now there’s no one here but myself and this redhead who keeps coming in for a stool sample. Such a strange young lady… _

_ Speaking of strange young ladies. We need to talk about JD. He loves you Perry, for God’s sake he thinks the sun shines out of your ass. He’s obviously head over heels for you and I’ll let you in on a secret that you probably haven’t even admitted to yourself: You love him too. I could tell when I was there, he loved you then and you were close to being in love yourself. I could tell by the stolen glances when you thought he wasn’t looking or when he did that weird head tilt thing. Just get your head out of your ass and open your eyes. He’s so good for you and he’s everything you’ve ever wanted. You two could be happy if you’d just allow yourself to be happy for once. I have to go, but Perry I swear to God that if you don’t give JD a shot, I will personally haunt the fuck out of your ass. And not in a kinky way.  _

_ I loved you, Perry, and that made me so happy, but you have so much love to give, no matter how worthless you think you are, and he deserves it.  _

_ Love,  _

_ Ben _

 

Perry let the paper fall at his feet. Ben had  _ loved _ him. He’d been  _ in love _ with him. He felt like he was drowning. They could have had years together if only one of them had just said something. He threw his glass against that wall and sank to his knees at the sound of the glass shattering. Suddenly glad Jordan had taken Jack to her mother’s, his body shaking with sobs as he struggled to his feet. He felt sick, like his life had just been thrown violently off course and he had whiplash. Ben also knew about JD. He didn’t want to admit to himself that he’d started to fall for the younger man especially after Ben died. They had Jack and he didn’t deserve to grow up in a broken home, even if JD would love him like his own. He couldn’t be that vulnerable to anyone else again. He fell asleep on the floor, clutching his knees to himself. He had an early shift tomorrow, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about much of anything anymore. 

 

It was a few days later when it happened. He’d found JD sitting in the doctor’s lounge, staring at the wall. He whistled to get his attention, “Brenda! I know you’re nervous about your first day at a new school tomorrow and if your hair will match your shoes, but I promise that even if you were on the cover of Vogue, that wouldn’t get the hottest guy in school to notice you. Now that we have that cleared up, what has got you looking like someone stole your date to prom?” 

“Oh, hey Dr. Cox,” JD replied absentmindedly and gave a half-hearted wave. 

Perry narrowed his eyes and sat down next to him, their knees touching. 

Perry was still thinking about Ben’s letter and what he’d said about Newbie. Perry had accepted a few months ago that he loved the other man. He figured that was part of the reason his relationship with Jordan started to fizzle out. He couldn’t be committed to her, but think about JD. That wasn’t fair to either of them. The quiet gave him time to study JD. His eyes, his lips, but it was the warmth that had always drawn him to the kid, even on their first meeting. JD must have felt Perry staring at him because he turned his head to look at him and Perry felt his heartbeat quicken as those blue eyes met his. He felt that if he stared long enough, they would eventually swallow him up. He felt a smile tug at his lips and he realized that looking at JD was like coming home. Before he could think about it anymore, Perry leaned forward and kissed him softly. His eyes were closed, but he could feel JD’s eyes on him. He hadn’t expected it to be reciprocated so when JD gasped and opened his mouth to deepen the kiss, Perry felt like a man dying of thirst and JD was an oasis. He never wanted the feeling to end. He felt fingers in his hair as he was pulled closer. When they both stopped to catch their breath, JD was the first to speak.

“Perry, I’ve been waiting for that for a long time,” JD sighed as he started to kiss him again. They spent a few minutes kissing before Perry pulled JD into his side and ran his fingers through his hair, a feat in itself because of the amount of product JD used. 

“Me too, kid,” Perry said as he stretched out on the couch a little and listened to JD talk about his weekend and Perry wouldn’t have given it up for anything. He knew right then, as Newbie prattled on about Barbie, Turk, and Carla, that he would spend the rest of his life holding onto JD. He’d already let Ben slip away and he’d be damned if he lost JD as well. 


	9. Chapter Nine

  
  


They’d been together for almost a year when Perry asked him to move in. JD knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Perry after a month, but he was letting Perry take the lead since he didn’t want to pressure him into something he wasn’t ready for. He knew he had a lot of stuff, but he hadn’t realized how hard it was consolidating two households. Most of his stuff had just ended up at Perry’s before he officially moved in, but JD tended to keep everything that had even a small amount of sentimental value. 

JD was moving some of his extra boxes into the storage unit when he saw it.  _ I didn’t know Perry played the guitar. I mean he makes  _ **_me_ ** _ sing a lot in bed, but _ , JD launched into a daydream of himself and Perry in bed. He cleared his throat and was happy he was alone so nobody could see how flushed he was. JD turned his attention back to the dusty, old guitar. It looked well-used, but also neglected as though it had been in here for years. He decided to put it in the car and take it with him. He’d just put it in the closest and if Perry saw it and wanted to play again, maybe he could relieve some of the tension that he tried to keep hidden. He knew Perry was more stressed since taking the Chief of Medicine position after Kelso retired and he really tried to talk through his emotions instead of bottling them up and leaving JD to pick up the pieces when he eventually burnt out, but JD could still see that there was a hint of something missing in Perry’s eyes. Maybe the guitar could help him find whatever it was he thought he’d lost. If it didn’t, well JD would still love him and would just continue letting him know how loved he was. 

 

It was a week later when he saw it in the closet. He figured JD must have found it at the storage locker and brought it home. It represented emotions he didn’t want to feel, it felt like a lifetime since he’d seen it and even longer since he’d actually held the instrument in his hands. He felt himself reach out to grab it, but when the wave of emotion threatened to break free, he just pushed it farther into the closet and closed the door. Maybe he’d forget it was there. 

 

Another few weeks passed before he worked up the courage to face the memories. JD was out of town at a conference, Jack was with Jordan, and Perry couldn’t sleep. He pulled the guitar out of the closet and set to work tuning it again. He’d forgotten how comforting it was and how the weight felt against his knee. He had been so lost since Ben had died, but JD kept him grounded took every chance he could to remind Perry that he was wanted and  _ loved _ . He tuned it as best he could, but he’d pick up some new strings tomorrow after his shift since they were starting to fray and break. Soon, he was able to lose himself again in melody he plucked out. The soft sound had been his comfort for so long and it was easy to forget what had been bothering him before he started to play. However, times had changed and he didn’t just want to forget what had been troubling him, Perry wanted to remember the good things he had in his life. He never hoped that he’d have the life he does. He had JD, who was so good and so soothing to his battered soul, even if the eternal optimism the kid had could be so relentlessly  _ annoying _ . He and Jordan had a better relationship once they’d removed sex and self-loathing from the equation. Above all, he had Jack and that little boy had saved Perry from himself and he would spend the rest of his life trying to be the best father he could.

He put the guitar back in the closet and called JD, figuring he couldn’t fall asleep alone anymore either.  Perry didn’t tell him about the guitar and JD didn’t ask, though he thought Perry’s voice sounded lighter.

 

JD started to notice that the guitar was in slightly different places when he’d get dressed in the morning.  _ Perry must have started playing again, _ he thought to himself one morning as he pulled on his scrubs. He knew it must be a private thing for him and JD wanted to give him space. Maybe one day Perry would feel comfortable sharing that part of him with JD. 

When he dressed he got Jack ready for daycare, kissing his hair as Jack clinged to him when it was time for him to join the other kids. He had never dared to hope that he’d have a family with Perry and even though Jack wasn’t biologically his, the happiest day of his life had been when Jack had called him “Daddy” for the first time. After he left, he found Perry in his office growling at paperwork. He didn’t have to be on the floor for another half hour, maybe he could convince Perry to lock the door and help him relax. 

 

He’d been playing again for a few months when he felt the overwhelming urge to visit Ben. He’d only been to the cemetery once since the service. It hurt too much, but he supposed he should be thankful. If he was being honest with himself, it was really only Ben’s words that spurred him to admit the intensity of his feelings for JD. He would have spent his life content with just keeping the younger doctor in his life, but he’d let someone slip away before by being content and he knew after he’d kissed JD for the first time that he wouldn’t be able to let him go. It would kill him. He grabbed his jacket and his guitar and started driving towards the cemetery before he could change his mind. 

He felt tears prick at his eyes as he walked up to stone. He fell to his knees and tried to let the soft melody speak for him.  _ I wish you were here, you’d be so happy for me. JD makes me so happy. I love him. I loved you. Thank you for leading me to him.  _

When he was done and he’d cried all the tears he could, Perry stood up and spoke softly, “I never thought I’d get over you, when you died. But then you knew me better than I know myself and gave me the push I needed, even though you were gone. I’m so damn  _ happy _ with him, Ben. I never knew love could be this way. I just wanted to say that I’m sorry that I wasn’t there for you, that I didn’t love you like you needed, but I suppose I’m more thankful because somehow you were still looking out for me even though you were gone. Thank you, Benji. I have a second chance because of you and I’m never letting him slip through my fingers like I let you. I guess it’s time I finally say  _ ‘Goodbye, Ben. _ So, goodbye.” He let his hand touch the stone as he walked away. 

The wind was picking up and he wrapped his jacket tighter around him and tried not to think that it sounded like someone was saying, “Goodbye, Perry.” He found a liquor store on his way home and bought another bottle of scotch, Jack was with Jordan and JD was working a double at the hospital so he could alone with his memories tonight. 

 

When JD got home the next morning, he found Perry in their bed, still fully clothed on top of the sheets. His eyes were staring at the wall, unfocused. JD could smell the scotch and his eyes were red and puffy from either drinking too much, crying, or both.  _ Ben died today _ , he remembered and laid down next to Perry. He didn’t know what to say, but knew that sometimes silence was all that Perry needed. JD wrapped his arms around Perry, buried his face in his back, and just held him. He half expected Perry to turn around, call him ‘Sally’, and reiterate that he was  _ not _ a spooner.  _ Although I know different now, _ JD thought. Perry could only sleep if he was touching JD in some way as though he'd wake up and their life together was all a dream.

He didn’t expect the mumbled, “Thank you.” They both began to drift off, neither saying anything else.

 

He started planning the perfect night for JD, down to the last candle. Perry was quietly humming “The Best of My Love” trying to figure out where he kept going wrong when he practiced when Kelso sat down and said, “It’s G7.” Kelso just looked at him before taking a bite of his muffin.

Perry knew he was right, but they also both knew that he’d never say it. So he grumbled, “Eat your damn muffin, Beezle-Bob,” and they knew that what he really meant was ‘Thank you’.

 

JD knew Perry must have been playing again. Every so often the guitar was in a different spot in the closet and Perry had new calluses on his fingers. He knew it was a private thing so he didn’t say anything, figuring Perry would tell him when he was ready, but JD really wanted to see Perry playing. He was thinking maybe he should just come right out and ask Perry about it when he got back to their apartment. As he walked to the bedroom, setting his stuff down as he went, JD could hear a soft melody coming from the bedroom. It took all the self-control JD didn’t even know he possessed to not burst into the room. He leaned against the wall and peered into the room, careful not to open the door any more than the crack it already was. Perry was lightly strumming and quietly humming an Eagles song that JD couldn’t remember the words to.  _ He must not have heard me come in _ , JD thought as he continued watching Perry through the small opening.  _ He looks so beautiful _ , he thought,  _ like nothing could bother him and all his worries have just floated away. _ Suddenly feeling like an intruder into what was obviously a private moment, JD started to back away and re-entered the apartment. He tried to make as much noise as possible so Perry would know he was home. When he got to the bedroom again, JD could still hear the soft music.  _ He has to know I’m home, I nearly knocked over the ugly vase Dan got us, _ he thought as he slowly pushed the door open. The sight took his breath away. Perry was still sitting on the bed, guitar in hand, but now there were candles everywhere and JD could feel himself starting to cry. Perry looked at him and JD thought he might die from sheer amount of  _ love _ that was in Perry’s eyes. He stopped playing just long enough to motion for JD to sit next to him. He continued playing the song that JD couldn’t quiet place, humming softly.

“You get the best of my love,” Perry whispered as he finished. He didn’t want to look at JD, afraid of what he might see there. It would kill Perry if he saw disgust. Staring at the floor he felt JD’s hands pull his face towards him and look at him, blue eyes shining with unshed tears. The adoration in JD’s eyes gave him the courage to slide to one knee and take JD’s hands in his. 

“Newbie, JD, I love you with every fiber of my being and throughout these two years you have made me happier than I could have ever hoped. You soothe every part of my soul and,” Perry had to stop to wipe the tears away from JD’s face. His own eyes were starting burn with emotion, but he made himself continue, “I know I don’t have the softest touch, I know I don’t tell you how I really feel often enough, and I know I’m not much, but JD. God, JD I’m yours for as long as you’ll have me. Will you marry me?” 

Perry finally let tears fall as JD nodded his head. “Yes. Oh God, yes. Yes, Perry, I’ll marry you,” JD cried as he kissed Perry with such devotion that it scared him to finally give all of himself to another person. “Just one thing,” JD began as their foreheads touched and they tried to catch their breath. 

“Anything,” Perry whispered. 

“Will you play for me again,” JD asked and Perry thought that if JD kissed him like that again, he’d probably do anything. 

“Every day. As long as you’ll have me,” Perry responded picking up the guitar from where he’d laid it on the bed. He didn’t have a song in mind, but played from his heart. He thought back to the scared little boy who had wanted nothing more than to run away and get lost somewhere far away. He’d never believe that his life could somehow turn out so perfect. 


End file.
